Other (Week 6) - How to Stop Being a Jealous Friend.
Letting go of Jealousy and Envy in the Digital Age.
One of the feelings that used to annoy me most (and still does) is when I feel jealous or inadequate.
Let’s be honest…we’ve all felt jealousy. Does that make us terrible people? Does it mean we dislike our friends and family?
No! It’s not because we dislike our friends and family, or because we are terrible people. No! It’s because we are human beings! Our brains have ancient software that insists on focusing on what those around us are doing, thinking we need this information to survive. We’re doing the best we can with evolution’s ineffective leftovers… kind of like that moldy pizza piece that just has to be eaten...
The problem is we never got a 101 at school on how to navigate jealousy peacefully!
However, we can learn to use it as a catalyst to improving and deepening our relationships, as legendary relationship writer and therapist Esther Perel proves through her work.
First, we focus on spotting it. I see jealousy in three different ways, and I call these the Three C’s of Jealou -C (Just so that it is memorable for your brain).
1. Crab.
2. Coin Flip.
3. Conscious Coach for Team Human.
1. Crab in a Bucket.
I was five years old, watching my younger cousin swimming in Nan’s pool. She was getting attention, validation, and applause from all the adults for her new ability. Bloody cousin.
Boom! I felt jealous and insecure as I couldn’t swim. I desperately craved that attention and applause! Without it, I felt like I wasn't good enough as a person.
So I jumped in the pool and ended up landing on my cousin.
I started drowning.
I also gave my cousin such a fright, she started drowning too.
We were both about to die.
I Messed up!
I was worse off, and she was worse off… great job Liam!
Luckily, one of my aunts came to the rescue and saved us both. I was happy to be alive! I’d been given a second chance at life! Full of gratitude, I gave my cousin and aunt a hug… but this did nothing to prevent me from being shouted at by the scared parents around me.
This Was a Crab in the Bucket Moment!
When Crabs are in a bucket, they drag each other back down as soon as one tries to make an escape.
I did forgive myself… after all, I was just five years old and my prefrontal cortex’ consequential thinking was not yet well developed (yet the memory stayed with me, and the fear and guilt came up 15 years later during a mindfulness and meditation session).
This problem does not exist nearly as much when the crab is in the ocean and feels its needs are met abundantly by its surroundings. Therefore, remembering you already have the ocean around you in Crab moments is key - that is, appreciating where you are is vital.
The moral of the story is - Feeling + Acting on Jealousy impulsively is destructive. It just ends in two people drowning, It’s worse for YOU and THEM.
2. Coin Flip.
You can only be jealous of someone who has something, you think you ought to have yourself - Margaret Atwood
You can only be jealous of someone who has something, you think you ought to have yourself - Margaret Atwood
I was 15 and on Youtube when I saw this epic travel video by Jay Alverez. It showcased this seemingly perfect couple traveling the world, traversing an endless reel of exotic and stunning locations.
My first thought was - wow that’s cool.
My second thought was “ahh my life sucks”. My ancient software was comparing my entire existence to their 3-minute highlight reel.
Then I closed the video, and the disappointment settled shortly after.
Creativity kicked in…..
Well if they can do it, why can’t I?
I loved the beautiful visuals and adventure it represented, and the idea of traveling with a supermod (especially since my success with girls was disappointing at the time).
However...
This became a coin flip from jealousy (Tails) to inspiration (Heads).
Since then I’ve probably created more than one hundred videos myself, and have done a raft of videos for various businesses. I also realised that creating three-minute videos from ten plus hours of footage is far less glamorous to put together than the mirage it creates.
Secondly, have you ever been jealous of someone who is younger than you who you thought was more “talented”?
To be honest, the one thing that used to make me feel insecure was when someone much younger than me was better than me at something. For a while that was tennis, especially when, in my mid-teens, my pipe dream was becoming a professional tennis player. I used to think if young people beat me, then what hope do I have?
Ironically, for the sake of my progression and evolution, getting beat by an unlikely foe is actually the best learning opportunity and reality cheque.
As I want the kids I coach to be genuinely better than I was at their age, I want everyone younger than me to be “further ahead in life than I was, and more competent than I was”. In such a case the world is evolving and society is getting better, which is a healthy way of thinking of it rather than speculating on my inadequacy
I used to feel slightly guilty when someone would say - “Ahh I wish I had this at your age,” as I felt like somehow I didn’t deserve it, yet what that statement actually means is that we are simply evolving as a species.
Flip the Coin from jealousy (heads) to tails (inspiration) by feeling and accepting jealousy and then transforming it into an art, direction or lifestyle you would like to explore.
3. Conscious Coach
I started apologising for being too excited when speaking to Athena Pathon, a fellow Constant Student.
She stopped me and in a playful yet assertive tone said - “You are safe to experience excitement around me… Liam! ”
That statement felt good to hear, I could feel in that moment she was celebrating my joy. This was a Conscious Coach moment.
A Conscious Coach isn’t jealous if his team succeeds beyond his capabilities as a player. If anyone in his team plays well, the coach does well. He proactively celebrates and supports his player’s success and does not take all the credit for it.
There is the phrase ‘never outshine the master’ in Robert Greene's book - The 48 Laws of Power… However “If you never outshine the master, he is likely not a true master, as then he likely didn’t nurture the capabilities with those “beneath” him.”
True mastery I believe is “If you win or succeed, I learn from you or celebrate your joy.”
Bonus! Epic Movie Clip From Coach Carter.
The benefits of being able to celebrate your friends wins is you will experience a lot more joy in your life.
You essentially experience 146X more happy moments. If you celebrate your wins and you have 50 wins in a year, it’s inferior to having twenty people in your life and celebrating their one win daily. 365 X 20 = That is 7300 mini wins you experience with them compared to 50.
Rather than just viewing the coaching attitude towards your closer friends, you can learn to extend it to humanity at large. Therefore, as each human does something we admire, The human team wins - no matter how small this win is in the larger scheme of humanity.
Essentially - you don't fix jealousy by becoming better than “everyone else at everything”.
You let it go...
… by taking a deep breath and feeling jealousy.
… becoming the best you can be.
… by appreciating where you are.
Celebrate others’ successes!
Realize you are enough and can just be!
Want a community that is proactively working towards this, join the Constant Student.
Lastly, Special thanks to the thought-provoking, skilled and joyous writer Joe Wehbe for helping to edit this piece. Haha jealous of your skills 😉.
Uncover Your Truth
Liam
See you Next Week for - The 7 Steps to Help Positively Influence your Friends.